


let your heart beat here

by AgentBuzzkill



Series: i will love you with my whole heart [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon-Typical Injuries, Hurt/Comfort, Intimacy, M/M, Post-Battle, Widofjord Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 15:48:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19254283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentBuzzkill/pseuds/AgentBuzzkill
Summary: “You get that look on your face every time you’re upset with yourself.”Fjord barely stops himself from rolling his eyes. They’re all alive. They accomplished their mission. Caleb is safe. He doesn’t know why he’s lashing out so much.Well, he doesn’t want to admit why he’s lashing out so much.But he’s hurt. He’s embarrassed. He tried to put on a brave face and defend Caleb, his mate, his everything, the one he’s promised himself to now and forever, and he all but got them both killed for it.Along with his body, his pride had taken quite a few bad hits.





	let your heart beat here

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my fic for Widofjord Week Day 2! I went with Intimacy for my prompt because gosh I love writing about these boys caring for each other. 
> 
> This is actually part two to tomorrow's fic for the prompt Canon Quote, but both can be read as standalone fics! 
> 
> Title from the song 'Heart Beat Here' by Dashboard Confessional

Their return to the Xhorhaus is mostly silent. By all accounts the Mighty Nein know they should be celebrating, but too much has happened. They are alive but drained—emotionally, mentally, physically—nursing wounds and tending to each other and by the time they reach their home Fjord is ready to lay down and not get back up for a good couple of days.

It’s a bit awkward getting to their room with Fjord leaning against Caleb so heavily and clutching his side, but with Beau’s help they manage. Caleb sits Fjord on their bed and he leans forward a bit with a groan of pain before catching himself, glancing up with what he hopes is a sheepish look.

“Sorry,” he grunts as Beau mutters something to Caleb he doesn’t manage to catch and excuses herself, closing the door behind her.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Caleb replies as he begins to carefully remove Fjord’s armor, treating it with the same care that Fjord always did, even if it was scuffed and stained to hell and back.

“Like hell I don’t-”

“You will stop that line of thinking right there.” Caleb pauses, taking Fjord’s chin in one hand and turning his face up.

“You did all that you could.”

“Bullshit.”

“Fjord-”

And now that they’re finally alone and beginning to feel safe again Fjord is able to really begin to reflect on what they had done. And what _he_ had failed to do.

_Nott, darting from one bit of cover to the next, crossbow raised and nailing nearly every shot—_

_Beau landing blow after blow, her movements as clean and precise as ever—_

_Yasha protecting Caduceus and Jester, who were doing their best to keep everyone up and fighting—_

_Caleb, so strong and so brave, his back against Fjord’s, a solid presence reassuring him as they fought—_

_And then there was Fjord. Missing shots that he should have easily made. Taking hits he should have been able to dodge. Luck picked one hell of a day to run out on him._

“I spent half of that fuckin’ fight on my ass, and the other half missing most of my shots. And right at the worst fuckin’ moment—”

“Stop,” Caleb says, voice thick. “None of that now.”

“Caleb, I just...I really am sorry. I let you down.” He swallows hard, looking down at his lap where he’s wringing his hands.

_Trent pointing at him, a wicked smile on his face, speaking an arcane word Fjord didn’t have time to attempt to understand before he heard Caleb scream his name and there was nothing but pain._

Caleb moves away and Fjord closes his eyes. For a long, terrible moment he thinks Caleb is about to leave the room. Fjord knows it’s what he deserves but after the day he’s just had he doesn’t think he can handle that. To his relief he hears the sound of Caleb kicking off his boots, of him slinging his coat over his desk chair. His usual nighttime routine, accompanied by the sound of water being poured into the wash basin in their room. The silence between them stretches on. Footsteps approach their bed. Taking a chance he glances up, afraid that Caleb is angry, but instead there is only a look of concentration as he tilts Fjord’s face up again and presses a wet cloth to a wound on Fjord’s forehead.

Fjord winces, unable to stop a small, sharp inhale through clenched teeth.

“Sorry,” Caleb murmurs and he seems to mean it too and Fjord is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the kindness to end and the lecture to begin.

“Nah, I earned ‘em,” he mutters under his breath and that finally draws a reaction from Caleb. His eyes narrow, brow furrowing.

“Do not talk like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you deserved this.”

“Well I _did_ -”

“Fjord,” Caleb interrupts, sharp and clipped. “Stop.”

But Fjord has started up and he intends to see his point through. Better to force Caleb to realize just how much of a fuck up he’s tied himself to sooner rather than later.

“What, did you not notice me failing to do _anything_ during that besides be a damn punching bag?”

“Actually,” Caleb replies as he continues to clean Fjord’s face with the cloth, “that was about all I could notice for a while.”

Fjord looks away at that, hands clenched into fists in his lap.

_Useless. He’s finally realizing you’re useless. He’s going to regret the pact, regret loving you, regret everything—_

“Whatever you’re thinking is wrong,” Caleb says as he moves the cloth to Fjord’s neck.

“You don’t know what I’m thinking,” he mutters, feeling more like a petulant child than anything else.

“You get that look on your face every time you’re upset with yourself.”

Fjord barely stops himself from rolling his eyes. They’re all alive. They accomplished their mission. Caleb is safe. He doesn’t know why he’s lashing out so much.

Well, he doesn’t want to _admit_ why he’s lashing out so much.

But he’s hurt. He’s embarrassed. He tried to put on a brave face and defend Caleb, his mate, his everything, the one he’s promised himself to now and forever, and he all but got them both killed for it.

Along with his body, his pride had taken quite a few bad hits.

“Just glad you were there,” he finally says. “To be strong enough for the both of us.”

“You are my strength,” Caleb replies. He sounds so sure of himself that it makes Fjord’s chest feel tight. “For the longest time I thought...that when I faced Ikithon again, I would be on my own.”

He pauses, the cloth still pressed to the side of Fjord’s neck. Fjord sighs and moves a hand to Caleb’s hip, thumb easing up under Caleb’s shirt. A small press of skin to skin, reassuring Caleb that he isn’t alone. He will never be alone again if Fjord has any say in the matter.

 _Relax_ , he tells himself. _Get a grip. He needs you right now as much as you need him._

“But you were with me,” Caleb continues. “All of you. It was not your battle to fight and you fought anyway.”

“Just like you’d fight for us,” Fjord replies. “Just like you _have_ fought for us. It’s what we do, Cay. And even if the others somehow didn’t want to…” He pulls Caleb just a bit closer to him and Caleb easily slots between Fjord’s legs, free hand moving to cradle the side of Fjord’s face.

“I’d still be there,” Fjord continues, looking at Caleb’s chest, at the mark peeking out of the neckline of his shirt. “By your side. No matter what, I’ll be there.”

“Look at me?” Caleb’s voice is small and soft. After a moment, Fjord does.

“I love you,” Caleb says, thumb tracing Fjord’s cheekbone. “And today I thought I was going to lose you.”

“It’s okay. ‘M here.”

“Ja, and I am more grateful that you could ever know. Losing you,” Caleb admits, looking away, “would have broken me all over again. I am not foolish enough to think I could come back from that a second time. Better to die with you than live in a world without you.”

Caleb’s hands are trembling and Fjord takes them in his own, holding them up and pressing kisses to Caleb’s knuckles. His hands still smell of spell components, the pungence of sulfur and the richness of earth and the tang of metal, fingernails dark with dirt and blood. Fjord kisses anyway, allowing Caleb to take his face in his hands. With his thumbs Caleb traces the curve of his cheeks, the marks on his forehead and lip, the line of his jaw. Fjord can feel the scar on Caleb’s palm and he turns his face toward it, nuzzling into Caleb’s touch.

“We’re here,” he says, voice low. Barely above a whisper. “We all made it, Cay.”

“We did,” Caleb agrees. “But you very nearly did not.”

Fjord closes his eyes and he can see Caleb standing over him, arms outstretched, keeping himself between Fjord and Trent. Shielding Fjord as best as he could. He can remember struggling, fighting the exhaustion telling him to lay down and close his eyes.

He couldn’t leave Caleb. He couldn’t let Caleb get hurt for his sake.

He can remember losing blood fast. Darkness closing in around him. Caleb frantically murmuring arcane words, magic crackling in the air around them.

“Told you I wouldn’t go far,” he says and the laugh Caleb forces out is bitter.

“And thank the gods you didn’t,” he replies, pressing his lips to Fjord’s forehead. “You kept your promise, _Schatz_. Though I had little doubt you would.”

“Like hell I’d leave you alone in the middle of that.”

“Hmm.” Caleb hums in response, tipping Fjord’s face up toward his in order to kiss him properly. Fjord’s hands move, beginning to unfasten the book holsters strapped to Caleb’s chest. He’s done it enough times that he’s sure he could do it with his eyes closed, but he still takes his time. There’s no need to rush now. In the wake of the adrenaline high of battle he feels sluggish and all he wants is to lay down and hold Caleb.

He eases Caleb’s shirt up and off and Caleb does the same for him. Fjord tries to stop himself from making noise, but a hiss of pain still escapes his clenched teeth as the fabric of his shirt is pulled from where blood at the edges of the wound in his side had begun to dry.

“Caduceus will need to take a look at this once he’s rested,” Caleb murmurs before pulling back and stepping away from Fjord. For a moment Fjord is about to protest, one hand reaching up, ready to pull Caleb back to him before he goes too far away, but he is relieved to see Caleb is only returning to the basin for a clean, freshly wet cloth and a roll of bandages.

Caleb returns to the side of the bed. At any other time Fjord might make a suggestive comment at the sight of Caleb getting down on his knees in front of him but the urge is forgotten when Caleb begins to clean Fjord’s wound, the pain enough to make Fjord grip the sheets on the edge of the bed in tight fists and groan.

“Sorry, _Liebling_ , sorry,” Caleb murmurs, trying to soothe Fjord as best as he can. His movements are precise, but Fjord knows if the wound is going to get cleaned Caleb can’t be gentle. He grits his teeth and bears it.

“You’re hurt too,” Fjord says, eager to care for Caleb in return, but the look Caleb shoots up at him brokers no argument.

“I will be fine. Let me take care of you, _Schatz_.”

Fjord nods. By now he knows which battles to pick and when it’s best to let Caleb have his way. He can’t say he’s entirely opposed to having Caleb’s undivided attention and care, either. He just likes being able to reciprocate too.

Caleb begins to wrap the wound and Fjord is just glad that the cleaning is finally over. He closes his eyes for a moment, taking in a deep breath and exhaling slowly. He’s still coming back to himself, replaying bits of the fight over and over in his head until it all seems like a dream. When he opens his eyes he half expects it to be morning again, to have the weight of anxiety settle in his gut as they prepare for the fight that they know is coming, but all he sees is Caleb standing over him.

“I’m here, Fjord,” he says and Fjord could cry with how happy he is that that’s true, and that Caleb seems to know exactly what he needs to hear. Fjord leans forward, his forehead pressed to Caleb’s chest as Caleb’s hands find the back of Fjord’s neck, keeping him close. Fjord’s arms wrap around Caleb and it’s finally hitting him that he could have lost this. That one wrong move would have meant never being able to hold Caleb again.

He doesn’t realize he’s trembling until Caleb speaks.

“Breathe, Fjord,” he says gently and Fjord tries his best to take in a shuddering, stilted breath. “I’m here. We’re both here. I’ve got you, _Liebling_ , and I will not let you go.”

Fjord keeps Caleb close until the worst of the trembling subsides, until it feels like he can begin to breathe again. He looks up at Caleb and there’s still just a slight bit of worry, the fear that Caleb will finally see how weak he is and leave him, but Caleb makes no move to pull away.

“Would you like to lay down?” he asks instead and Fjord nods. It’s about all he wants in that moment.

They settle into their bed together, Caleb pulling the covers up over them before wrapping his arms around Fjord and bringing him close.

“How are you feeling?” he asks and Fjord truly doesn’t know the answer to that. Alive? Mostly. Present? Somewhat. Happy? Definitely.

“Happy,” he decides. “And...tired. Still processing, I guess.”

Caleb begins to run a hand through his hair and the touch is grounding, something for Fjord to focus on, and he’s grateful for the contact. For Caleb. For everything.

“So strong,” Caleb says with a smile, lips pressed against Fjord’s forehead. “And so brave. How did I ever get so lucky? What could I have done? Nothing worthy of you in this life, certainly. Perhaps in a past life I was better.”

Caleb seems almost giddy and Fjord can only imagine how staggering the relief must feel. To have such an immense weight lifted from his shoulders. Plenty of their enemies are still out there and the war is not yet won, but the biggest threat in Caleb’s past that has haunted him for decades is gone and Fjord couldn’t be happier for him.

“I’d say you’re pretty great in this life,” Fjord replies. “Wouldn’t have you any other way.”

“Flatterer,” Caleb says but there is no heat in his chastisement. “Have you no shame?”

“Not when it comes to you.” Fjord smiles, for what feels like the first time in days. “You make me shameless, Cay.”

“Truly the worst thing I could have done.”

Caleb presses a line of kisses over Fjord’s face. His forehead, his cheek, his jawline, making his way to meet Fjord’s mouth. There’s no heat in the kiss, no desperation. None of the fear that it could be the last night they ever had with each other.

The kiss is soft. It’s a point of contact that brings Fjord fully back to himself, back to the present. He kisses back, his hands finding Caleb’s hips, before pulling back a bit to meet Caleb’s gaze. Even in the murky greys of darkvision Caleb’s eyes are bright. Fjord reaches up between them, touching the mark on the side of Caleb’s neck. The scars that mark Caleb as his mate. And despite the impulse to beat himself up, to feel shame at not being better equipped to protect what was his, he allows satisfaction to fill him.

“I love you,” Fjord whispers.

“And I love you,” Caleb replies with one last little kiss.

They fought side by side and emerged victorious. He’s able to hold Caleb in his arms and tell him he loves him. Tomorrow they will properly celebrate their victory, both with their friends and with each other.

That has to count for something.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments, criticisms, and kudos are always appreciated.
> 
> Thank you for reading! <3


End file.
